Xmas present

The way forward & Quiz (Xmas present)

- 87 recommendations: How to fake winning the farce of Iraq -

A new bestseller of the world-famous Iraq Stud Group has been released. This compelling book is bound to be vital, first of all, to an important man who lives in Washington D.C. in a huge white house, whose first name is George, and whose family name is neither Jones nor Smith. Some people call him George, others intimately Walker, but most refer to him simply as Mr. Bush.

Dear reader, do not feel excluded as there is something in this high moral drama for you as well. Namely, Mr. Bush needs your support and your money to keep on supporting the U.S. military and families of the deployed, wounded and fallen. He has dedicated himself to win the war on terror by killing everyone who is, or might be, or will be, or can be, or in general is. This great battle of his cannot be fought alone, and thus your contribution is vital. Trust no-one else but you and Mr. Bush to kill everybody else who are not worth of trust, and buy this book. A portion of the proceeds will be donated to a good cause.


The story starts to enfold with a letter written by one of our distinguished Co-Chairs. And here it is: "L"

What a simple yet thrilling start! We are already getting anxious to know what more there is to come, aren't we? We cannot wait but dash forward to our interpretation of the Iraqi situation, straight to the heart of the matter. The result is an unputdownable, "can't switch off the light" drama.

Executive summary

Well, to put it bluntly, the situation in Iraq is a farce. In this report we do state the facts, as I already said, bluntly even though Mr. Bush might actually be reading this in person (ok, ok, we are kidding, everyone knows he cannot read ... yet). But anyway, we feel we are very cool for stating the facts without beating about Mr ... eh... the Bush. We even go further and suggest that maybe it would be best to stop the farce, once and for all. So many innocent people are dying and, moreover, it has become far too dangerous to keep on stealing Iraqi oil. To save our neck we can just a) claim victory and silence the opposition, or c) nuke them like we did with Japanese. That was a long time ago, of course, but we are still in shape. Besides, Mr. Blair just promised to manufacture some more modern nukes for us. Maybe we'll drop a few bombs in Syria and Iran as well just to show off. They are all very evil, aren't they and deserve it? Terrorism is such a bad thing and it has gained so much foothold in the world. Therefore we should kill all probable enemies just in case.

Infernal approach: We have recently learned that coal can be used to produce gun powder which is a lethal explosive frequently used by terrorists. We have also found out that many human beings contain this dangerous substance. They can therefore be exploited by terrorists for manufacturing explosives. What a dreadful discovery and prospect! We MUST nuke the whole world outside USA. Needless to say, this is a painful task but only the citizens of the U.S. are to be trusted in this delicate matter.

We are aware that this summary is quite short as we know that all executives love LONG summaries. Sorry for that. Oh, but wait again. Maybe you read it a few times. Repetition is, after all, the mother of all education.


It is the unanimous view of the Iraq Stud Group that these recommendations ... these recommandations... well, you know, what we mean to say is that... Oh, what the bloody hell. Let's face it, we are no chickens. We have fucked up a little bit but - hush hush - please be reasonable and do not jump to conclusions for heaven's sake. It is our job to turn shit into chocolate mousse for those who dare criticize us and we'll sure do that. Remember, the bodies of the opponents contain lethal coal so we have a right to terminate them or send them to Guantanamo Bay for a long holiday at the state's expense if things get heated up. And alas, the United States of America will emerge ever stronger.

In order to advance a more comprehensive diplomatic solution to the problem at hand, the Stud Group recommends the following to Mr. Bush:

  • 1. Put your fears away and state, loud and clear, that the U.S. is the greatest country in the Universe.
  • 2. Build a time machine and return back in time to prevent the bloody war in Iraq which has caused us so much trouble. The war has to be stopped before someone discovers we are fools.
  • 3. For God's sake, if you can't figure out anything else, hire some goddamn hypnotiser to make Osama bin Laden so itchy he can fight no more. The war has to be stopped before everyone knows we are fools.
  • 4. We know your dislike of Eastern philosophies but maybe, just this once, you could hire a famous yoga guru. He could teach yoga flying to the U.S. forces so they would become way more invincible.
  • 5. Rename 'war' back to 'spreading democracy'. This cannot be too strongly emphasized.
  • 5. Rename 'war' back to 'spreading democracy'. This cannot be too strongly emphasized.
  • 5. Rename 'war' back to 'spreading democracy'. This cannot be too strongly emphasized.
  • 6. Don´t listen to George Bush senior, he is just an old fart. He is your FATHER, you know.
  • 7. Hold a press conference and make sure there is a lot of good food and buns to shut up journalists' mouths.
  • 6. Stop treating Mr. Blair like a poodle, he deserves to be at least a retriever or a german shepherd.
  • 8. An entertaining, musically oriented Iraq International "Buena Vista" Social Club should be organized to distract the enemy. If it works in Cuba why not in Iraq?
  • 12. Claim that everything is fine in Iraq, and blame weapons of mass distraction that the media are using instead.
  • 14. Dump the UN. They did not even support the invasion of Iraq. What a bunch of wimps!
  • 10. Drown the world in paper and bullshit - use diplomacy.
  • 11. This must be a typing mistake. There is already number 1, and it´s just two times here.
  • 13. Bad luck, no recommendation. Move immediately to number 14, spit over your left shoulder and break a glass.
  • 55. This must be a typing mistake. There is already number 2 and it´s just two times here, and moreover it is in the wrong place. It should be after 7 and before 2.
  • 14. Send diplomats to fight in Iraq and withdraw soldiers. Diplomats are far better trained in turning defeat into victory.
  • 16. The President should restate that the United States does not seek to control Iraqi oil. (Why should we as we already have it?)
  • 19. Promise a paradise full of virgins to our fallen fighters, much more seductive than the muslim one. The enemy will envy our martyrs and join us.
  • 22. This must be a typing mistake. There is already number 2, and it´s just two times here. Thank God it´s at least in the correct place.
  • 23. Set up some milestones, one to Florida and another to Alaska. They will look nice on the roadsides.
  • 24. Kill Saddam with guillotine. The French will love you for that. They might even forget your freedom fries crap.
  • 25. Speak always on behalf of peace and reconciliation but never fall into the trap of believing what you say.
  • 26. The United States should deliver more and better equipment for the Iraqi Army. This way they kill each other much faster.
  • 27. Buy mopeds for the Iraqi Police Service. They will look more professional and people will take them seriously.
  • 28. If the Iraqis don't follow your orders, you can put some sand into the gas tanks of their mopeds.
  • 29. Buy old rags and WWII weapons from Finnish army for Iraqis. Insurgents will die of laughter.
  • 30. Start implementing secret laws for Iraq like they do in Argentina. This gives you absolute power which no one can deny or even know of.
  • 32. Move Guantanamo Bay to Iraq and, vice versa, Iraq to Guantanamo Bay. Mr. Castro is too old to resist.
  • 33. This must be a typing mistake. There is already number 3, and it´s just two times here. Strange, I just got a Déja-Vu.
  • 43. Fix Iraq's constitution so that it says all the oil belongs to us. God just put it in the wrong place for he may also be mistaken in his almightyness. Fortunately the US is there to make good the damage and enforce The Divine will.
  • 44. This must be a typing mistake. There is already number 4, and it´s just two times here. I know, booriiing.
  • 45. This report should be a comic as there are 10 million other people in the U.S. who cannot read either.
  • 46. Hire Pope to kill Allah, or at least discredit him badly. Oh, sorry, I guess you already did that.
  • 47. Redefine words 'win' and 'loose' to mean opposites. Then you will never lose!
  • 50. Work hard to work hard as hard workers get better and harder results.
  • 52. Sleep with all Iraqis. This way the next generation will be at least half American so we have 60% less problems.
  • 53. Plant some weapons of mass destruction to Iraq and find them accidently to discredit Mr. Hans Blix who dared to criticize our policy.
  • 54. The Director of National Intelligence and the Secretary of Defense should try to understand all the effort you are making to get us out of the mess.
  • 56. You should try to understand you policies and know yourself as Socrates recently adviced.
  • 61. Take your head out of the bush and we don´t mean Barbara here.
  • 666. Not again!!! This is grotesque ... Three times the same number. This cannot be a spelling mistake. The report is definitely damned.
  • 69. If you smell too much of sulphur, as Mr. Chavez suggested, maybe you should change your deodorant to something stronger to hide it.
  • 76. Make some new excuses why you cannot talk with Iran and Syria. Tell for example that you are afraid of turbans or your mum said not to talk with strangers.
  • 77. This must be a typing mistake. There is already number 2, and it´s just two times here. Yeah, but this was the VERY last time. Like they say back at home: "One for the road."
  • 86. Tell that all killed civilians are Al-Qaida operatives, even small babies and old women. The enemy is inconceivably evil in his vicious plans!
  • 87. Reading good literature and learning the art of rhetorics might help you in future crises. Reading is far more important than maths, you know, because words make bad figures sound good. Buy an abc book and study alphabet. After that playing the farce of Iraq gracefully will be as easy as ABC.

If you could not find all 87 recommendations please continue counting from the beginning of the list until you reach all 87. Don't think about it too much, just go for it!

HINT FOR COUNTING: if you run out of fingers and toes you can always use your the hair of your nose. Each hair equal to twenty, while a toe and a finger equal to one. Neat, isn't it?


The Map or Iraq

Letter from the Sponsoring Organizations: p

Iraq Stud Group Plenary Session: 2006/12/11 10pm - 2006/12/12 03am.

Iraq Stud Group Consultations (* denotes a meeting that took place in Iraq, yes, really, we are cool and went to Iraq and defied all dangers, honestely): (*) to be done ... hopefully ... some day ... or maybe not. Actually none of us dares to travel outside the U.S.

Iraq Stud Group member

Baker XIX has served in senior government positions under and over. He has travelled to over 1 foreign countries including USA as the United States confronted the unprecedented challenges and opportunities of the Post–Cold War era. His reflections on those years of revolution under President Ronald Stallone as Treasury Secretary was also Chairman concluded with his service as White House Chief of Staff and Senior Counselor to President over the course of five consecutive presidential elections with the Houston firm of Andrews and Kurth received the Presidential Medal of Freedom including Princeton University’s Tiger Woods Award, the American Institute for Pubic Service’s and honorary academic degrees. Baker is presently a Honorary Chairman of the Public Policy at Rice Institute. Personal Envoy of United Nations was appointed Special Presidential Envoy for Iraqi debt. The Iraq Stud Group, a partial red-ribbon knitting club on Iraq. During his tenure he was Chairman of the Conduct Committee. In his Investigation’s Advisory Board he has Basketball Hall of Fame with five grandchildren whose names he has forgotten.

Now, let´s see how well you have learned how to fake winning the farce of Iraq!

1. The best way to make piece is
Kill as many heretics as possible
Promise piece and keep on fighting
Never mind, piece is for whimps only

Iraq is
Some country with huge amounts of oil and infidels
A farse somewhere in the U.S.
Who cares as long as we win the war

Iran and Syria are
Terrorist camps near Iraq
An axis of evil
Future colonies of Israel

Mr. George W. Bush is
The way forward
Great ruler and future emperor of the civilized world
The president of U.S.

The only way to win a war is
To kill all enemies
To lock all enemies up to the Guantanamo Bay
To talk instead of fighting

Baker is
A baker
The baker
What is baker? A cook? Bakes bread, eh?

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